SanGenLife

Do you care for aging parents and young kids? Congratulations! You are a member of the “Sandwich Generation.” As a caregiver to many, you are pulled in several directions all at once. Despite all the pressures and responsibilities of caring for your children and your parents, it is important to take care of yourself first.

You know the emergency instructions flight attendants give about putting on your oxygen mask before helping your children? It is true about caring for others. If you aren’t healthy, you can’t help anyone else. Caring for a loved one, especially one who has difficulties or has a serious illness, can take its toll emotionally and physically. Find outlets for your stress whether its exercise, meditation, date nights with your spouse, or getting together with friends.

Get support for yourself so you can help others. Here are some suggestions:

SEEK HELP FROM A THERAPIST

A therapist can be an excellent resource for you to let out your worries, stress, and frustration about your situation. Sometimes talking to a neutral party can help you deal with the difficulties you face. A therapist can recommend coping strategies for your situation.

FIND CAREGIVER SUPPORT GROUPS

There are many support groups for caregivers and even for specific illnesses such as Alzheimer’s disease or cancer. It can be helpful to hear about other caregivers’ experiences and learn how they have solved problems. They may have dealt with the same issues you are dealing with, and they can tell you what to expect as a caregiver. Many online support groups and blogs provide sound advice, encouragement, and even a little humor, so you don’t feel like you are alone in this.

GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK

While it may seem counterintuitive to take a break from caring for a loved one, you need to take regular breaks to keep mentally and physically healthy. Give yourself permission to recharge yourself. Schedule weekly or monthly massages. Have a standing date to walk with a friend. You may feel guilty, but investing in self-care can prevent burnout and make you a better caregiver.

SET BOUNDARIES

It is important not to lose yourself while caring for others. While that is easier said than done, carve out time for yourself. Make rules of when you are “off-duty,” such as a one day each week or after 6 pm each night. Having rules will force your family or yourself to find alternative help, so it does not always fall upon you if your parents need help during those times.

FIND RESPITE CARE

See who might be able to watch over your loved one while you take a mini-vacation. Home care agencies may be able to provide caregivers for a brief time allowing you to get a break. Some nursing homes or adult care centers can accommodate a patient for a bit. Hospice can also be helpful in finding you respite care.

ASK FOR HELP

It is hard to ask for help, especially if you are busy running from one task to the next. But look for ways you can delegate to others. Ask for specific help from those who offer. Can someone else handle meals, medications, laundry, taking someone to doctor appointments, etc.? As you go about your daily caregiving duties ask yourself if another couldn’t do this particular task. Make a mental (or written) note on routine activities that could be handled by someone else. That way you can be prepared when people offer assistance.

EMBRACE THE CHAOS

Sometimes you have to give into the fact that life is going to be difficult. Caring for children and parents is hard, messy, stressful, and frustrating. I could go on. Accept that you may not have a clean house and eat take-out more than you’d like. Now is the time to let go of perfectionism. Or as my dad would say “Don’t sweat the small stuff and pretty soon you will realize it is all small stuff.”

LAUGH A LITTLE

Try to find humor in the little things. Toward the end of her life, my grandmother was hospitalized for three months. Despite juggling her time caring for her family and running a business, my mother always made time to check in on my grandmother. On one of her daily visits, my grandmother commented that my mother’s skirt was a little too short. My mother was taken aback. She thought, with everything going on, this is what she is was concerned about? We had to laugh. As critically sick as my grandmother was, she couldn’t stop being a mother to her child.

FORGIVE YOURSELF

Caregiving is not for the faint of heart. It takes great strength and responsibility to care for another. It also takes a huge emotional toll on you. No caregiver is perfect. You will get frustrated, lose your temper, mess things up, say things you regret, neglect other family members, wish things were different, and then you will feel guilty for all of the above. Forgive yourself when you have bad days and realize you are doing the best under the circumstances.

HAVE PERSPECTIVE

Recognize that this time of being “sandwiched” at both ends is temporary. Children grow up and parents unfortunately die. Don’t try to do everything yourself. If you need to delegate more, spend more on cleaning services or take-out meals, remember that it is not going to last forever. Do the best you can with what you have.

Remember the words of Robert H. Schuller: “Tough times never last, but tough people do.”

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