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Getting together with family, especially during the holidays, is a great opportunity to catch up with your parents. As your parents age, you and your siblings may want to talk with them about any health concerns and their future plans.

Armed with these tips for a family meeting you will be able to get the information you need and know how to help your parents in the future.

How to talk to aging parents – 5 tips for a family meeting

Find a peaceful setting

Since it is the holidays, you may have a full house. A family meeting should be free from distractions so keep the kids occupied elsewhere. Only immediate family should be present. Your parents may love your spouse as much as their child. However, they may feel uncomfortable talking about certain things in their presence.

Find a neutral place where your parents are comfortable. Plan a time to meet when it is less stressful so perhaps not right in the midst of preparing a holiday dinner.

Have a script…and stay on the same page

Before approaching your parents, have conversations with your siblings about what you want to say. Make a list of what questions you will ask. Prepare a script of sorts so you will know what topics to discuss.

Start a conversation with a variation of “Mom, Dad, we all wanted to sit down with you to talk about some of our concerns. At some point in the future you may have a health issue or problem and we want a plan in place to help you. We want to hear from you about how you want us to handle things in the future.”

Give your parents and opportunity to speak and ask them your questions.There are 5 essential conversations to have with your parents. In my book, Estate Planning for the Sandwich Generation: How to Help Your Parents and Protect Your Kids, there are sample conversation starters and a list of questions to ask that cover financial, medical, estate planning, aging, and death.

Specific questions that you may want to ask are:

Do you have a financial power of attorney? Who will handle your money if you are unable?

Do you have a health care power of attorney? Who will make your medical decisions if you are unable?

Do you have a living will or advance medical directive? What life prolonging measures do you want or don’t want?

Do you have a last will and testament or a trust? How do you want your estate distributed?

Do you plan to age-in-place or move to a senior living facility?

Do you have specific wishes regarding your funeral and burial?

Make sure all siblings are aware of what is going to be discussed. The point of this meeting is to get information from your parents. It is not the time to right past transgressions (real or perceived) or assign blame.

Keep on topic. When you are discussing advance medical directives, it is not the time for your sister to ask who will get the china.

Be empathetic

Appreciate where your parents are coming from. They may be uncomfortable discussing health issues, finances, advanced aging, and death. Understand they may value their privacy when it comes to medical and financial concerns.

Avoid saying “you should” to them as it you may seem to be lecturing them. Don’t say “You should install grab bars in the shower.” Instead say “We know you would like to live in your home as long as possible. How can we make your home safer for you to do so?“

You may not agree with their decisions or plans.  For example, aging-in-place. However, try to do your best to honor those wishes as long as your parents aren’t in danger.

Have patience

In my book, I talk about “brick wall moments”. That is when a suggestion made out of love is met with hostility or rejection.  Realize your parents may not be as objective about their situation.  Recognize it may take time or an event for your parents’ to agree with your suggestion.

For example, if your parent falls at home, they then might allow you to remove clutter and tripping hazards such as rugs. If your parent is hospitalized with a heart attack, they might then agree to have more help around the house.

Take notes and follow up

Many discussions can results from your initial meeting. After your meeting, write down an action plan. Record what needs to be done and who will do it. Add dates to follow up on tasks. Schedule future opportunities to talk as a family.

Once you have important medical, financial, legal information, put together a Family Information Binder. Organize a binder where you have one place to consult for your parents information in case of emergency.

Family gatherings can be a time of happiness and sometimes a source of stress. Use these occasions to have peaceful and productive family discussions.

Need more tips to help your family? Get the #1 Amazon Bestseller in new releases for Wills/Estates Estate Planning for the Sandwich Generation: How to Help Your Parents and Protect Your Kids today.