When your aging parents won’t talk about their future plans

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parents won't talk

Are you a caregiver for your aging parents? At the very least, are you concerned about them as they age?

Oftentimes, children want to help their parents but the parents won’t communicate with them on what they need. When children want to help their aging parents plan for the future, they are met with resistance or “Brickwall Moments.”

Why they won’t talk

Some parents simply refuse to discuss their future with their children. Either they don’t want to be a burden or think it is none of their business. Other parents may want to bury their head in the sand. They do not want to focus on what will happen as they age and face illness. And still some may be angry or depressed on how their life has turned out. Regardless of the reason, it will be helpful to you in the long run to start discussions with them.

What you can do

If you are having trouble talking with your aging parents, don’t give up! There are 3 approaches to try: ask 10 questions, write a letter, or give them a book.

Ask 10 questions

Here are 10 basic questions you might want to focus on to give you the information you need.

  1. Do you have an updated list of bank accounts, stocks held, retirement accounts, pension plans and other assets? Does someone have that list, a spouse or family member, in case of sudden incapacity or death?

  1. Have you named a Financial Power of Attorney? Who is your agent? Where is the document? 

  1. Have you named a Health Care Power of Attorney? Who is your surrogate? Where is the document?

  1. Do you have an Advance Medical Directive (Living Will)? Who is your agent? Where is the document? What life-prolonging measures do you want taken?

  1. If you have a business concern or investment property, how do you want those investments handled? Who will continue the business? Should investments be sold? Is there a succession plan or other instructions in place? Who is your accountant?

  1. Do you have a will and/or trust? How do you want the assets of your estate distributed? Is your will and/or trust updated and in accordance with your wishes? Who is your attorney? 

  1. Are there specific items such as jewelry, a car, or art that you want given to a specific person? Is this written down? Where is the document?

  1. Do you have a safety deposit box? If so, with what bank? Who is authorized to access it? Where can a key be located?

  1. Do you have life insurance policies? If so, who are the insurance companies, where are the policies, who are the beneficiaries, and what are the benefit amounts? 

  1. Are there any wishes regarding funeral arrangements? Burial? Cremation? Organ donation? If you served in the military, do you want military honors? Do you have any charities that you want donations to be made in your honor?

Write them a letter

To avoid confrontation, you can write the 10 questions down in a letter and have them fill it out. A sample introduction might be:

Dear Mom and Dad,

 I love you and I am concerned about your future. I want to do the right things for you as you age, so I need your guidance. Answering the following questions will help me help you.

Your letter may prompt them to get their information together and open up a dialogue. Offer to help your parents gather the information and use the letter as a checklist.

Throw the book at them

No. Don’t throw a book at them! But get them an estate planning book. Highlight or tag areas that are particularly of concern to you. Leave the book for them to look at it when it is convenient for them. Hopefully this will prompt to start a conversation and make some plans.

If all else fails

Comfort yourself in knowing that you tried. Some parents are just plain difficult when facing their future. If there are problems when your parents are mentally or physically incapacitated or ill, there are professionals to step in and help. Contacting their doctors or reaching out to an estate planning attorney can give you the guidance you need to help your parents.

Parts of this article have been excerpted from Estate Planning for the Sandwich Generation: How to Help Your Parents and Protect Your Kids.

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